Monday, as I was driving to work at the ever-so-early hour of 10am, a little white (and I mean, bleached white) poodle ran out in front of me.

Recognizing that little bright white dogs don’t often run around unattended, I slowed down to check it out. It didn’t take a detective to see that it (a) looked terrified (b) was obviously an inside dog, and (c) was lost.
So I stopped to check it out, and at the very least, try to get it out of the road. Once I opened the door, the dog practically flew into the truck.
I called the number on the tag: No answer.
Took the little dog home, put it in the (fenced) backyard.
Called again. No answer.
Went to work, called the number again.

Cool enough, at this point I’m thinking that these people, like most people, have jobs and work. Cool enough, So, I bee-bopped around my day, happy in the thought that I saved somebodys dog from getting run over.

Fast forward about an hour.
My neighbor calls my cell phone.
N: “Hey Kenny, it’s (redacted). Are you dog sitting a little white dog?”
K: “Sort of, I picked it up on the side of the road this morning. Why? Is it barking?”
N: “Well, no. Yes. I mean, I don’t know. There’s a giant black dog, standing on the other side of your fence that really wants to be with the little white dog. That’s the one that’s barking. It’s running back and forth between your place and ours, and it’s a really nice dog….”

It’s at this point that I begin to wonder if I’ve entered some sort of weird literary time warp thing, where I’m now Dr. Dolittle and I’ve collected Jip the dog. So what’s next? Birds, fish and monkeys?

Kaylee and I talked a bit more and decided that if the gigantic horsedog and the little mini white poodle wanted to spend time together, then, hell, who are we to argue?
I told her to lead the horsedog through the house into the side yard.
According to the (redacted), it was an immediate cuddlefest. (ok, say “oh…….awwww…..”….)
Yeah. Cute. Dolittle. Ugh. Anyway.

I get home and call again the number of the little white dog’s tag, in hopes that these people actually own TWO dogs. No answer.
By this time, I’m starting to think these people just don’t care about their dog, which aggravates me a little bit.

So I google the phone number. BINGO! I get a name. I google the name.
*sigh*
Google brings up several links that contain this guys name.
One of which was a staff listing at his office. SCORE!
So I clicked on it. Then I realized that one of my riding buddys’ wives not only worked for the same company, but also in the same office.

A quick call to them discovered that the dog owner was out of town, so someone was likely dogsitting for them!
Which explains why they didn’t call me back…….

So, at this point, I’m thinking there’s no way the person who’s dogsitting is going to check the dog owners voicemail at home, so I’m resigning myself to being a three dog household until the owner gets back.

An hour later, there’s a knock on my front door. Strange guy, strange truck standing on the porch says “um, hey, hi, but I think you have my dogs in your backyard. I’m dogsitting for my brother-in-law and his dog and mine ran away this morning….”

Turns out the little white dog belongs to the guy that’s out of town, and the horsedog belongs to this other guy.

Mystery solved.

Long and involved story to say that I picked up a dog and saved it from getting run over on Monday.

There’s a person I work with that’s very nice.
This person is a conservative, and that suits them just fine.
This person isn’t what I would call stupid, exactly.. This person is open to believing (due to a mixture of insecurity and blind faith) other people are naturally “smarter” than they are. ‘Cause like, duh, after all, they’re on _television_ and everything, so they *MUST* be right.

I mention this person because I “caught” them using a significant amount of bandwidth the other day to watch TV show.
Yes, at work.
Yup, this person was watching TV at work. Odd. Sure. But whatever. I mean, we all read the news or check our bank accounts or post tweets or update our blogs.

I think watching TV is a bit over the top, though. I heard the audio playing, recognized it as something that wasn’t all that work appropriate, so I knocked on this persons door and asked them what they were laughing at.

This person told me that they were watching “Glenn Beck”. This person then looked at me like I had three heads when I didn’t recognize the name. eh….right. I’ll admit that I was so dumbfounded at this persons blatant disregard for the rules that I didn’t say anything about it. She did mention that she was now a member of his “extreme insider” mail list, or something else that I didn’t pay attention to. At that point, I was just wondering how this person justified ignoring what was is a pretty simple rule that says “Don’t watch streaming video via the state network.”

So I left without engaging them in any sort of argument or reprimand. Now, I’m glad I handled it that way, because I realized later that the people that watch this guy are fucking batshit insane.

I went and looked this “Glenn Beck” person up. Evidently, he’s some FOX News(?) talk show host. Sort of like Palin is now, I guess? I guess FOX is out to hire those kind of people? I don’t know. I don’t have a TV. Anyway, he’s one of those people that says the same things over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over in hopes that if he says it enough, somebody will believe him.
Evidently, there are people just that stupid.

One of the things I found while looking up this person was their idea that we should all think and act on 9/12/2001.
Ya know, like, when nobody knew anything.

He’s got this list of things that he claims all “good” Americans should think.

1. America is good. 

No, America isn’t good.
America is country, and therefore can’t be “good” or “bad”
Forgiving your stupidity for a moment, I realize what you’re really trying to say is that “Americans are good!”
Which I also don’t agree with. By and large, they’re selfish, greedy, egocentric, materialistic, and generally poorly educated about anything that goes on outside their own borders.


2. I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life. 

Um. No. Sorry, I don’t believe that.


3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday. 

This is only an issue with people who are innately dishonest.
Look, you are either honest, or you’re not.
You can’t be “more dead”. You’re either dead, or not.
You can’t be “more wrong” Again, you’re either wrong or not.
One cannot be “more honest”

4. The family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government. 

I’m not married. Does this exclude me?
More importantly, I only ask this because I know something of your claimed “religion”, is your god supposed to be your ultimate authority?
Just sayin’…..
(edit 09/15/10: I also note that you say “spouse”. Nice jab there, considering that you wouldn’t consider two lesbians to be “spouses”)


5. If you break the law you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it.
That’s a great idea. But the last time I checked, (which was about 2 minutes ago) if you’re rich, you don’t go to jail no matter what you do. Seems to me you’re not in jail, even though you’re a totally cokehead.
Great way to get the “common” people to rally together, though!

6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal rights. 

Are you fucking kidding me?
No guarantee of equal rights?
Oh, only white people get rights?

“Gosh darn it, those people don’t look like me or talk like me, so they must be evil. I heard that them people that wear those towel things on their heads and talk in that jibber jabber are evil and mean. Oh, oh, and get this, they don’t believe in God, neither. Must be some of them terrorists.”

Fuck you.

7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable.
Can someone please explain to me how you can force someone to be charitable? If it’s forced, it’s not charity, dumbass. But that’s OK, you’re not really interested in facts and definitions. You’re rallying people behind you….for what? To make yourself richer? The sad thing is that the people that follow you aren’t smart enough to see that you’re an entertainer. Like Chuck Norris, minus the awesomeness.


8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion. 

OK. I can go with this one. The problem is that you won’t agree with this when the machine swings to the right. Then, all of a sudden, it’ll be unamerican to disagree. Like, say, when I said “The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are nothing more than a man with a small dick proving that he can keep up with Daddy.”
Seems to me that your conservative friends didn’t have a problem with killing people then….
Why? Because stupid fucks like you had them convinced that those conflicts were retaliatory for 9/11.


9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me.
That’s all well and good. Don’t pay taxes for a year or two. We’ll see who answers to who then.

That’s as far as I got. There’s more, but at this point I no longer cared.
Person at work wastes my bandwidth at work listening to Glenn Beck, who is batshit fucking insane.

It’s been exactly two weeks since I told myself (and all of you) that I was done drinking. After going though three bottles of whisky in 13 days, I figured that I should probably scale back. A lot. That’s seriously a lot of drinking, and I didn’t like that it was becoming *normal* to come home and drink that much.

So here’s what I’ve learned.

1. I cheated and drank ONE beer with Papp four nights in.
2. Drinking is expensive!
3. I sleep better when I don’t drink.
4. People look at me funny when I tell them that I’m not drinking anymore.
5. Alcohol has a lot of calories.
6. It wasn’t difficult to not drink.

OK, so I know a lot of you think I’m nuts.
I don’t care.
We’ll see who’s laughing when zombies are licking the inside of your skull.

Zombism is caused by the virus Solanum. Solanum works by traveling through the bloodstream, from the initial point of entry to the brain.

Through means not yet fully understood, the virus uses the cells of the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex for replication, destroying them in the process. During this period, all bodily functions cease. By stopping the heart, the infected subject is rendered “dead.” This process takes anywhere between 5 minutes and 2 hours. At this point, we’re not sure why it varies between individuals. Further research is ongoing, but is limited by the high morbidity rate of researchers.

The rest of the brain, however, remains alive but dormant, while the virus mutates its cells into a completely new organ. The most critical trait of this new organ is its independence from oxygen. By removing the need for this all-important resource, the undead brain can utilize, but is in no way dependent upon, the complex support mechanism of the human body. We strongly suspect that this is related to the fact that zombies are not dependent upon ATP production for the creation of muscle movement.

Once mutation is complete, this new organ reanimates the body into a form that bears little resemblance (physiologically speaking) to the original corpse. Some bodily functions remain constant, others operate in a modified capacity, and the remainder shut down completely.

This new organism is a zombie, a member of the living dead.

And it will fuck your day up.

Tree-hugging, peace-loving
Pot-smoking, porn-watching
Lazy-ass hippies like me

Warning: Don’t listen to that link if you think that the solution to the world economic issues will be solved by electing the mother of a retard president.

Song by Todd Snider.

“….It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat……”

The pictures of a good day.