Women: Say what you mean!

Posted this to twitter yesterday:

Why are women so fucking complicated? Just say what you mean. I can’t read your fucking mind. Dropping a random subtle hint won’t ever work.

If you want a Blueberry muffin, then say “Will you bring me a blueberry muffin?” I’ll be _more_ than happy to bring you one. That would make my day, in fact. To see you smile and enjoy eating a blueberry muffin would be the highlight of my otherwise droll and unimportant day. Why? Because there’s no confusion involved in that statement. Hell, even simplify it further and say “Please me eat Muffin. Blueberry. Now. Please.”

Do not say: “My grandmother used lard when she made blueberry muffins.”
That will not magically lead me to deduce that you’re craving a muffin and you’d like me to bring you one, along with a lowfat major minor grande latte spiced coffee drink thing.

If you talk about your grandmother using lard to make muffins and I’ll think about—wait for it—hold on—-YES! I WILL THINK ABOUT YOUR GRANDMOTHER USING LARD TO MAKE MUFFINS. Then I will stop thinking about that, and move on how people made lard, and where it comes from, and how nasty it is. Then I will move on to the cows on the farm in North Carolina, and how my Grandmother grew up there, and her brother made me a milking stool.

And I’ll respond and say “Hm. That’s cool. My great-uncle made me a milking stool when I was a kid.”

Do you know what that means?? THAT MEANS YOU WILL NOT GET A FUCKING MUFFIN.

Why? Because you didn’t say anything about wanting a muffin. You said that your grandmother used lard when she made muffins. That’s it. Zip. That’s it. Your grandmother making muffins will not make me remember that you told me 8 months ago that you like your blueberry muffins warmed to 103.8*, and that you feel neglected at 7:30 in the damn morning and that a blueberry muffin would make you feel better about the fact that it’s 20 below and dark and you’re hungry.

Then you’ll get pissed off, and tell me that I’m not listening to you. The fact of the matter is that I AM listening to exactly what you’re saying. YOU ARE NOT BEING CLEAR. Don’t drop hints. If you want a muffin, speak the fuck up and say so! I am not responsible for your lack of clarity. It’s unrealistic, unfair, and generally stupid that you expect me to magically take a statement about lard and turn it into “Go get me a muffin, please.”

“Bring me a blueberry muffin” So fucking simple…..and your gender makes it so incredibly complex.

I don’t hate women, really. I like women. I just get tired of women who cannot, for whatever reason, say what they mean.